the research magnificent-第34部分

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　as　yet　barely　twilight。　　He　consulted　his　watch。　　HALF…PAST　SEVEN。　Nearly　dinner…time。　。　。　。　No　doubt　Christian　during　the　earlier　stages　of　his　pilgrimage　noticed　the　recurrence　of　the　old　familiar　hours　of　his　life　of　emptiness　and　vanity。　　Or　rather　of　vanitysimply。　　Why　drag　in　the　thought　of　emptiness　just　at　this　point？　。　。　。　It　was　very　early　to　go　to　bed。　He　might　perhaps　sit　and　think　for　a　time。　　Here　for　example　was　a　mossy　bank；　a　seat；　and　presently　a　bed。　　So　far　there　were　only　three　stars　visible　but　more　would　come。　　He　dropped　into　a　reclining　attitude。　　DAMP！　When　one　thinks　of　sleeping　out　under　the　stars　one　is　apt　to　forget　the　dew。　He　spread　his　Swiss　cloak　out　on　the　soft　thick　carpeting　of　herbs　and　moss；　and　arranged　his　knapsack　as　a　pillow。　　Here　he　would　lie　and　recapitulate　the　thoughts　of　the　day。　　（That　squealing　might　be　a　young　fox。）　　At　the　club　at　present　men　would　be　sitting　about　holding　themselves　back　from　dinner。　　Excellent　the　clear　soup　always　was　at　the　club！　　Then　perhaps　a　Chateaubriand。　　Thatwhat　was　that？　　Soft　and　large　and　quite　near　and　noiseless。　　An　owl！　The　damp　feeling　was　coming　through　his　cloak。　　And　this　April　night　air　had　a　knife　edge。　　Early　ice　coming　down　the　Atlantic　perhaps。　It　was　wonderful　to　be　here　on　the　top　of　the　round　world　and　feel　the　icebergs　away　there。　　Or　did　this　wind　come　from　Russia？　　He　wasn't　quite　clear　just　how　he　was　oriented；　he　had　turned　about　so　much。　　Which　was　east？　　Anyhow　it　was　an　extremely　cold　wind。　What　had　he　been　thinking？　　Suppose　after　all　that　ending　with　Mrs。　Skelmersdale　was　simply　a　beginning。　　So　far　he　had　never　looked　sex　in　the　face。　。　。　。　He　sat　up　and　sneezed　violently。　It　would　be　ridiculous　to　start　out　seeking　the　clue　to　one's　life　and　be　driven　home　by　rheumatic　fever。　　One　should　not　therefore　incur　the　risk　of　rheumatic　fever。　Something　squealed　in　the　bushes。　It　was　impossible　to　collect　one's　thoughts　in　this　place。　　He　stood　up。　　The　night　was　going　to　be　bitterly　cold；　savagely；　cruelly　cold。　。　。　。　No。　　There　was　no　thinking　to　be　done　here；　no　thinking　at　all。　　He　would　go　on　along　the　track　and　presently　he　would　strike　a　road　and　so　come　to　an　inn。　　One　can　solve　no　problems　when　one　is　engaged　in　a　struggle　with　the　elements。　　The　thing　to　do　now　was　to　find　that　track　again。　。　。　。　It　took　Benham　two　hours　of　stumbling　and　walking；　with　a　little　fence　climbing　and　some　barbed　wire　thrown　in；　before　he　got　down　into　Shere　to　the　shelter　of　a　friendly　little　inn。　　And　then　he　negotiated　a　satisfying　meal；　with　beef…steak　as　its　central　fact；　and　stipulated　for　a　fire　in　his　bedroom。　The　landlord　was　a　pleasant…faced　man；　he　attended　to　Benham　himself　and　displayed　a　fine　sense　of　comfort。　　He　could　produce　wine；　a　half…bottle　of　Australian　hock；　Big　Tree　brand　No。　　8；　a　virile　wine；　he　thought　of　sardines　to　precede　the　meal；　he　provided　a　substantial　Welsh　rarebit　by　way　of　a　savoury；　he　did　not　mind　in　the　least　that　it　was　nearly　ten　o'clock。　　He　ended　by　suggesting　coffee。　　〃And　a　liqueur？〃　Benham　had　some　Benedictine！　One　could　not　slight　such　sympathetic　helpfulness。　　The　Benedictine　was　genuine。　　And　then　came　the　coffee。　The　cup　of　coffee　was　generously　conceived　and　honestly　made。　A　night　of　clear　melancholy　ensued。　。　。　。

17

Hitherto　Benham　had　not　faced　in　any　detail　the　problem　of　how　to　break　with　Mrs。　Skelmersdale。　　Now　he　faced　it　pessimistically。　　She　would；　he　knew；　be　difficult　to　break　with。　　（He　ought　never　to　have　gone　there　to　lunch。）　　There　would　be　something　ridiculous　in　breaking　off。　　In　all　sorts　of　ways　she　might　resist。　　And　face　to　face　with　her　he　might　find　himself　a　man　divided　against　himself。　That　opened　preposterous　possibilities。　　On　the　other　hand　it　was　out　of　the　question　to　do　the　business　by　letter。　　A　letter　hits　too　hard；　it　lies　too　heavy　on　the　wound　it　has　made。　　And　in　money　matters　he　could　be　generous。　　He　must　be　generous。　　At　least　financial　worries　need　not　complicate　her　distresses　of　desertion。　But　to　suggest　such　generosities　on　paper；　in　cold　ink；　would　be　outrageous。　　And；　in　briefhe　ought　not　to　have　gone　there　to　lunch。　　After　that　he　began　composing　letters　at　a　great　rate。　Delicateexplanatory。　　Was　it　on　the　whole　best　to　be　explanatory？　。　。　。　It　was　going　to　be　a　tremendous　job；　this　breaking　with　her。　　And　it　had　begun　so　easily。　。　。　。　There　was；　he　remembered　with　amazing　vividness；　a　little　hollow　he　had　found　under　her　ear；　and　how　when　he　kissed　her　there　it　always　made　her　forget　her　worries　and　ethical　problems　for　a　time　and　turn　to　him。　。　。　。　〃No；〃　he　said　grimly；　〃it　must　end；〃　and　rolled　over　and　stared　at　the　black。　。　。　。　Like　an　insidious　pedlar；　that　old　rascal　whom　young　literary　gentlemen　call　the　Great　God　Pan；　began　to　spread　his　wares　in　the　young　man's　memory。　。　。　。　After　long　and　feverish　wanderings　of　the　mind；　and　some　talking　to　himself　and　walking　about　the　room；　he　did　at　last　get　a　little　away　from　Mrs。　Skelmersdale。　He　perceived　that　when　he　came　to　tell　his　mother　about　this　journey　around　the　world　there　would　be　great　difficulties。　　She　would　object　very　strongly；　and　if　that　did　not　do　then　she　would　become　extremely　abusive；　compare　him　to　his　father；　cry　bitterly；　and　banish　him　suddenly　and　heartbrokenly　from　her　presence　for　ever。　She　had　done　that　twice　alreadyonce　about　going　to　the　opera　instead　of　listening　to　a　lecture　on　Indian　ethnology　and　once　about　a　week…end　in　Kent。　。　。　。　　He　hated　hurting　his　mother；　and　he　was　beginning　to　know　now　how　easily　she　was　hurt。　　It　is　an　abominable　thing　to　hurt　one's　motherwhether　one　has　a　justification　or　whether　one　hasn't。　Recoiling　from　this；　he　was　at　once　resumed　by　Mrs。　Skelmersdale。　Who　had　in　fact　an　effect　of　really　never　having　been　out　of　the　room。　　But　now　he　became　penitent　about　her。　　His　penitence　expanded　until　it　was　on　a　nightmare　scale。　　At　last　it　blotted　out　the　heavens。　　He　felt　like　one　of　those　unfortunate　victims　of　religious　mania　who　are　convinced　they　have　committed　the　Sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost。　　（Why　had　he　gone　there　to　lunch？　　That　was　the　key　to　it。　WHY　had　he　gone　there　to　lunch？）　。　。　。　　He　began　to　have　remorse　for　everything；　for　everything　he　had　ever　done；　for　everything　he　he　give　in　to　sex。　It's　the　same　thing　really。　　The　misleading　of　instinct。〃　This　set　the　key　of　his　thought　throughout　the　afternoonuntil　Amanda　happened　to　him。

CHAPTER　THE　THIRD　AMANDA

1

Amanda　happened　to　Benham　very　suddenly。　From　Haslemere　he　had　gone　on　to　further　heaths　and　gorse　beyond　Liphook；　and　thence　he　had　wandered　into　a　pretty　district　beset　with　Hartings。　　He　had　foh　socialistic　art　as　bookbinding。　　They　were　clearly　‘advanced'　people。　　And　Amanda　was　tremendously　important　to　them；　she　was　their　light；　their　pride；　their　most　living　thing。　　They　focussed　on　her。　　When　he　talked　to　them　all　in　general　he　talked　to　her　in　particular。　　He　felt　that　some　introduction　of　himself　was　due　to　these　welcoming　people。　　He　tried　to　give　it　mixed　with　an　itinerary　and　a　sketch　of　his　experiences。　　He　praised　the　heather　country　and　Harting　Coombe　and　the　Hartings。　　He　told　them　that　London　had　suddenly　become　intolerable〃In　the　sprin