eben holden-第49部分

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aming　and　am　miserable；　and　then　I　remember　and　am　happy。　I　know　when　the　morning　comes　I　shall　wake　and　laugh　at　all　these　phantoms。　And　I　shall　pack　my　things　and　go　up　on　deck；　for　we　shall　be　in　the　harbour　probably　…　ay！　maybe　Annie　and　mother　will　be　waving　their　hands　on　the　dock！　

The　old　face　had　a　merry　smile　as　he　spoke　of　the　morning　and　all　it　had　for　him。

'Seems　as　if　it　had　lasted　a　thousand　years；'he　continued；　yawning　and　rubbing　his　eyes。　'But　I've　dreamed　the　like　before；　and；　my　God！　how　glad　I　felt　when　I　woke　in　the　morning。　

It　gave　me　an　odd　feeling　…　this　remarkable　theory　of　the　old　man。　I　thought　then　it　would　be　better　for　most　of　us　if　we　could　think　all　our　miserya　dream　and　have　his　faithin　the　morning…thatitwould　bring　back　the　things　we　have　lost。　I　had　come　to　buy　a　lock　for　my　door；　but　I　forgot　my　errand　and　sat　down　by　Riggs　while　the　stranger　went　away　with　his　lantern。

'You　see　no　reality　in　anything　but　happiness；'I　said。

'It's　all　a　means　to　that　end；'he　answered。　'It　is　good　for　me；　this　dream。　I　shall　be　all　the　happier　when　I　do　wake；　and　I　shall　love　Annie　all　the　better；　I　suppose。　

'I　wish　I　could　take　my　ifi　luck　as　a　dream　and　have　faith　only　in　good　things；'I　said。

'All　that　is　good　shall　abide；'said　he；　stroking　his　white　beard；　'and　all　evil　shall　vanish　as　the　substance　of　a　dream。　In　the　end　the　only　realities　are　God　and　love　and　Heaven。　To　die　is　just　like　waking　up　in　the　morning。　

'But　I　know　I　m　awake；'I　said。

'You　think　you　are　…　that's　a　part　of　your　dream。　Sometimes　I　think　I　m　awake　…　it　all　seems　so　real　to　me。　But　I　have　thought　it　out；　and　I　am　the　only　man　I　meet　that　knows　he　is　dreaming。　When　you　do　wake；　in　the　morning；　you　may　remember　how　you　thought　you　came　to　a　certain　shop　and　made　some　words　with　a　man　as　to　whether　you　were　both　dreaming；　and　you　will　laugh　and　tell　your　friends　about　it。　Hold　on！　I　can　feel　the　ship　lurching。　I　believe　I　am　going　to　wake。　

He　sat　a　moment　leaning　back　in　his　chair　with　closed　eyes；　and　a　silence　fell　upon　us　in　the　which　I　could　hear　only　the　faint　ticking　of　a　tall　clock　that　lifted　its　face　out　of　the　gloom　beyond　me。

'You　there？'he　whispered　presently。

'I　am　here；'I　said。

'Odd！'he　muttered。　'I　know　how　it　will　be　…　I　know　how　it　has　been　before。　Generally　come　to　some　high　place　and　a　great　fear　seizes　me。　I　slip；　I　fall　…　fall　…　fall；　and　then　I　wake。　

After　a　little　silence　I　heard　him　snoring　heavily。　He　was　still　leaning　back　in　his　chair。　I　walked　on　tiptoe　to　the　door　where　the　boy　stood　looking　out。

'Crazy？'I　whispered。

'Dunno；'said　he；　smiling。

I　went　to　my　room　above　and　wrote　my　first　tale；　which　was　nothing　more　or　less　than　some　brief　account　of　what　I　had　heard　and　seen　down　at　the　little　shop　that　evening。　I　mailed　it　next　day　to　the　Knickerbocker；　with　stamps　for　return　if　unavailable。

Chapter　34

New　York　was　a　crowded　city；　even　then；　but　I　never　felt　so　lonely　anywhere　outside　a　camp　in　the　big　woods；　The　last　day　of　the　first　week　caine；　but　no　letter　from　Hope。　To　make　an　end　of　suspense　I　went　that　Saturday　morning　to　the　home　of　the　Fullers。　The　equation　of　my　value　had　dwindled　sadly　that　week。　Now　a　small　fraction　would　have　stood　for　it　…　nay；　even　the　square　of　it。

Hope　and　Mrs　Fuller　had　gone　to　Saratoga；　the　butler　told　me。　I　came　away　with　some　sense　of　injury。　I　must　try　to　be　done　with　Hope　'there　was　no　help　for　it。　I　must　go　to　work　at　something　and　cease　to　worry　and　lie　awake　of　nights。　But　I　had　nothing　to　do　but　read　and　walk　and　wait。　No　word　had　come　to　me　from　the　Tribune'　evidently　it　was　not　languishing　for　my　aid。　That　day　my　tale　was　returned　to　me　'with　thanks　with　nothing　but　thanks　printed　in　black　type　on　a　slip　of　paper　…　cold；　formal；　prompt；　ready…made　thanks。　And　I；　myself；　was　in　about　the　same　fix　…　rejected　with　thanks　…　politely；　firmly；　thankfully　rejected。　For　a　moment　I　felt　like　a　man　falling。　I　began　to　see　there　was　no　very　clamourous　demand　for　me　in　'the　great　emporium　；　as　Mr　Greeley　called　it。　I　began　to　see；　or　thought　I　did；　why　liope　had　shied　at　my　offer　and　was　now　shunning　me。　I　went　to　the　Tribune　office。　Mr　Greeley　had　gone　to　Washington；　Mr　Ottarson　was　too　busy　to　see　me。　I　concluded　that　I　would　be　willing　to　take　a　place　on　one　of　the　lesser　journals。　I　spent　the　day　going　from　one　office　to　another；　but　was　rejected　everywhere　with　thanks。　I　came　home　and　sat　down　to　take　account　of　stock。　First；　I　counted　my　money；　of　which　there　were　about　fifty　dollars　left。　As　to　my　talents；　there　were　none　left。　Like　the　pies　at　the　Hillsborough　tavern；　if　a　man　came　late　to　dinner　…　they　were　all　out。　I　had　some　fine　clothes；　but　no　more　use　for　them　than　a　goose　for　a　peacock's　feathers。　I　decided　to　take　anything　honourable　as　an　occupation；　even　though　it　were　not　in　one　of　the　learned　professions。　I　began　to　answer　advertisements　and　apply　at　business　offices　for　something　to　give　me　a　living；　but　with　no　success。　I　began　to　feel　the　selfishness　of　men。　God　pity　the　warm　and　tender　heart　of　youth　when　it　begins　to　harden　and　grow　chill；　as　mine　did　then；　to　put　away　its　cheery　confidence　forever；　to　make　a　new　estimate　of　itself　and　others。　Look　out　for　that　time；　O　ye　good　people！　that　have　sons　and　daughters。

I　must　say　for　myself　that　I　had　a　mighty　cOurage　and　no　small　capital　of　cheerfulness。　I　went　to　try　my　luck　with　the　newspapers　of　Philadelphia；　and　there　one　of　them　kept　me　in　suspense　a　week　to　no　purpose。　When　I　came　back　reduced　in　cash　and　courage　Hope　had　sailed。

There　was　a　letter　from　Uncle　Eb　telling　me　when　and　by　what　steamer　they　were　to　leave。　'She　will　reach　there　a　Friday；'he　wrote；　'and　would　like　to　see　you　that　evening　at　Fuller　s。　

I　had　waited　in　Philadelphia；　hoping　I　might　have　some　word；　to　give　her　a　better　thought　of　me；　and；　that　night；　after　such　a　climax　of　ill　luck；　well　…　I　had　need　of　prayer　for　a　wayward　tongue。　I　sent　home　a　good　account　of　my　prospects。　I　could　not　bring　myself　to　report　failure　or　send　for　more　money。　I　would　sooner　have　gone　to　work　in　a　scullery。

Meanwhile　my　friends　at　the　chalet　were　enough　to　keep　me　in　good　cheer。　Therc　were　William　McClingan；　a　Scotchman　of　a　great　gift　of　dignity　and　a　nickname　inseparably　connected　with　his　fame。　He　wrote　leaders　for　a　big　weekly　and　was　known　as　Waxy　　MeClingan；　to　honour　a　pale　ear　of　wax　that　took　the　place　of　a　member　lost　nobody　could　tell　how。　He　drank　deeply　at　times；　but　never　to　the　loss　of　his　dignity　or　self　possession。　In　his　cups　the　natural　dignity　of　the　man　grew　and　expanded。　One　could　tell　the　extent　of　his　indulgence　by　the　degree　of　his　dignity。　Then　his　mood　became　at　once　didactic　and　devotional。　Indeed；　I　learned　in　good　time　of　the　rumour　that　he　had　lost　his　ear　in　an　argument　about　the　Scriptures　over　at　Edinburgh。

I　remember　he　came　an　evening；　soon　after　my　arrival　at　the　chalet；　when　dinner　was　late。　His　dignity　was　at　the　full。　He　sat　awhile　in　grim　silence；　while　a　sense　of　injury　grew　in　his　bosom。

'Mrs　Opper；'said　he；　in　a　grandiose　manner　and　voice　that　nicely　trilled　the　r　s；　'in　the　fourth　chapter　and　ninth　verse　of　Lamentations　you