the complete works of artemus ward, part 3-第7部分

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stick　his　ear　to　the　key…hole　with　a　view　to　drinking　in　the
gushing　melody　by　the　quart　or　perhaps　pailful。　　This　vexed　Mr。
Culkins；　and　considerably　marred　the　pleasure　of　the　thing；　as
witness　the　following：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃O　come　to　me　when　daylight　sets。

＇What　yez　doing　at　that　door；　yer　dd　spalpane？＇

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Sweet；　then　come　to　me！

＇I'll　twist　the　nose　off　yez　presently；　me　honey！＇

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　When　softly　glide　our　gondolettes

＇Bedad；　I'll　do　murther　to　yez；　young　gintlemin！＇

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　O'er　the　moonlit　sea。〃

Of　course；　this　couldn't　continue。　　This；　in　short；　was　rather
more　than　the　blood　of　the　Culkinses　could　stand；　so　the　young
man；　through　whose　veins　such　a　powerful　lot　of　that　blood
courses；　sprang　to　the　door；　seized　the　eavesdropping　boy；　drew
him　within；　and　commenced　to　severely　chastise　him。　　The　boy's
master；　the　gentleman　who　occupied　the　office　across　the　hall；
here　interfered；　pulled　Mr。　Culkins　off；　thrust　him　gently
against　the　wall；　and　slightly　choked　him。　　Mr。　Culkins　bottled
his　furious　wrath　for　that　night；　but　in　the　morning　he　uncorked
it　and　threatened　the　gentleman　（whom　for　convenience　sake　we
will　call　Smith）　with　all　sorts　of　vengeance。　　He　obtained　a
small　horsewhip　and　tore　furiously　through　the　town；　on　the
lookout　for　Smith。

He　sent　Smith　a　challenge；　couched　in　language　so　scathingly　hot
that　it　burnt　holes　through　the　paper；　and　when　it　reached　Smith
it　was　riddled　like　an　old…fashioned　milk…strainer。　　No　notice
was　taken　of　the　challenge；　and　Culkins'　wrath　became　absolutely
terrific。　　He　wrote　handbills；　which　he　endeavoured　to　have
printed；　posting　Smith　as　a　coward。　　He　wrote　a　communication　for
the　〃New　Herald；〃　explaining　the　whole　matter。　　（This　wasn't　very
rich；　we　expect。）　　He　urged　us　to　publish　his　challenge　to　Smith。
Somebody　told　him　that　Smith　was　intending　to　flee　the　city　in
fear　on　an　afternoon　train；　and　Culkins　proceeded　to　the　depot；
horsewhip　in　hand；　to　lie　in　wait　for　him。　　This　was　Saturday
last。　　During　the　afternoon　Smith　concluded　to　accept　the
challenge。　　Seconds　and　a　surgeon　were　selected；　and　we　are
mortified　to　state　that　at　10　o'clock　in　the　evening　Scanton's
Bottom　was　desecrated　with　a　regular　duel。　　The　frantic　glee　of
Culkins　when　he　learned　his　challenge　had　been　accepted　can't　be
described。　　Our　pen　can't　do　ita　pig…pen　couldn't。　　He　wrote　a
long　letter　to　his　uncle　in　New　York；　and　to　his　father　in
Connaught。　　At　about　ten　o'clock　the　party　proceeded　to　the
field。　　The　moon　was　not　up；　the　darkness　was　dense；　the　ground
was　unpleasantly　moist；　and　the　lights　of　the　town；　which　gleamed
in　the　distance；　only　made　the　scene　more　desolate　and　dreary。
The　ground　was　paced　off　and　the　men　arranged。　　While　this　was
being　done；　the　surgeon；　by　the　light　of　a　dark　lantern；　arranged
his　instruments；　which　consisted　of　1　common　hand…saw；　1　hatchet；
1　butcher　knife；　a　large　variety　of　smaller　knives；　and　a　small
mountain　of　old　rag。　　Neither　of　the　principals　exhibited　any
fear。　　Culkins　insisted　that；　as　the　challenging　party；　he　had
the　right　to　the　word　fire。　　This；　after　a　bitter　discussion；　was
granted。　　He　urged　his　seconds　to　place　him　facing　towards　the
town；　so　that　the　lights　would　be　in　his　favour。　　This　was　done
without　any　trouble；　the　immense　benefits　of　that　position　not
being　discovered　by　Smith's　second。

〃If　I　fall；〃　said　Culkins　to　his　second；　〃see　me　respectably
buried　and　forward　bill　to　Connaught。　　Believe　me；　it　will　be
cashed。〃　　The　arms　（horse…pistols）　were　given　to　the　men；　and　one
of　Culkins's　seconds　said：

〃Gentlemen；　are　you　ready？〃

SMITH：Ready。

CULKINS：Ready。　　The　blood　of　the　Culkinses　is　aroused！

SECOND：One；　Two；　Threefire！

Culkins's　pistol　didn't　go　off。　　Smith　didn't　fire。

〃That　was　generous　in　Smith　not　to　fire；〃　said　a　second。

〃It　was　inDADE；〃　said　Culkins；　〃I　did　not　think　it　of　the
low…lived　scoundrel！〃

The　word　was　again　given。　　Crack　went　both　pistols
simultaneously。　　The　smoke　slowly　cleared　away；　and　the
principals　were　discovered　standing　stock…still。　　The　silence　and
stillness　for　a　moment　were　awful。　　No　one　moved。　　Soon　Smith　was
seen　to　reel　and　then　to　slowly　fall。　　His　second　and　the　surgeon
rushed　to　him。　　Culkins　made　a　tremendous　effort　to　fly　from　the
field；　but　was　restrained　by　his　seconds。

〃The　honor　of　the　Culkinses；〃　he　roared；　〃is　untarnishedwhy　the
divil　won't　yez　let　me　go？　　Hll's　blazes；　men；　will　yez　be
after　giving　me　over　to　the　bailiffs？　　Docther；　Docther！〃　he
shouted；　〃is　he　mortally　wounded？〃

The　Doctor　said　he　could　not　tellthat　he　was　wounded　in　the
shoulderthat　a　carriage　would　be　sent　for　and　the　wounded　man
taken　to　his　house。　　Here　a　heart…rending　groan　came　from　Smith；
and　Culkins；　with　a　Donnybrook　shriek；　burst　from　his　seconds；
knocked　over　the　doctor's　lantern；　and　fled　towards　the　town　like
greased　lightning　amidst　a　chorus　of　excited　voices。

〃Hold　him！〃

〃Stop　him！〃

〃Grab　him　by　the　coat…tails！〃

〃Shoot　him！〃

〃Head　him　off！〃

And　half　of　the　party　started　after　him　at　an　express…train　rate。
There　was　some　very　fine　running　indeed。　　Culkins　was　brought　to
a　sudden　stop　against　a　tall　board　fence；　but　he　sprang　back　and
cleared　it　like　an　English　hunter；　and　tore　like　a　lunatic　for
the　city。　　Half　an　hour　later　the　party　might　have　been　seen；　if
it　hadn't　been　so　pesky　dark；　groping　blindly　around　the　office
in　which　Culkins　had　been　a　student　at　law。

〃Are　you　here；　Culkins？〃　said　one。

〃Before　Culkins　answers　that；〃　said　a　smothered　voice　in　the
little　room；　〃tell　me　who　yez　are。〃

〃Friendsyour　seconds！〃

〃Gintlemin；　Culkins　is　here。　　The　last　of　the　Culkinses　is　under
the　bed。〃

He　was　dragged　out。

〃I　hope；〃　he　said；　〃the　ignoble　wretch　is　not　dead；　but　I　call
you　to　witness；　gintlemen；　that　he　grossly　insulted　me。〃

（We　don't　care　what　folks　say；　but　choking　a　man　is　a　gross
insult。Ed。　P。D。）

He　was　persuaded　to　retire。　　There　was　no　danger　of　his　being
disturbed　that　night；　as　the　watch　were　sleeping　sweetly　as　usual
in　the　big　arm…chairs　of　the　various　hotels；　and　he　would　be　able
to　fly　the　city　in　the　morning。　　He　had　a　haggard　and　worn…out
look　yesterday　morning。　　Two　large　bailiffs；　he　said；　had
surrounded　the　building　in　the　night；　and　he　had　not　slept　a
wink。　　And　to　add　to　his　discomfiture　his　coat　was　covered　with　a
variegated　and　moist　mixture；　which　he　thought　must　be　some　of
the　brains　of　his　opponent；　they　having　spattered　against　him　as
he　passed　the　dying　man　in　his　flight　from　the　field。　　As　Smith
was　not　dead　（though　the　surgeon　said　he　would　be　confined　to　his
house　for　several　weeks；　and　there　was　some　danger　of
mortification　setting　in）；　Culkins　wisely　concluded　that　the
mixture　might　be　something　else。　　A　liberal　purse　was　made　up　for
him；　and　at　an　early　hour　yesterday　morning　the　last　of　the
Culkinses　went　down　St。　Clair　Street　on　a　smart　trot。　　He　took
this　morning's　Lakeshore　express　train　at　some　way…station；　and
is　now　on　his　way　to　New　York。　　The　most　astonishing　thing　about
the　whole　affair　is　the　appearance　on　the　street　to…day；
apparently