the story of an african farm-第43部分

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they　themselves　allowed；　I　had　the　best　memory　of　any　boy　in　the　school；

and　could　repeat　whole　books　from　beginning　to　end。　　You　know　how　cruelly

father　always　used　me；　calling　me　a　noodle　and　a　milksop；　just　because　he

couldn't　understand　my　fine　nature。　　You　know　how　he　has　made　a　farmer　of

me　instead　of　a　minister；　as　I　ought　to　have　been；　you　know　it　all；　Jemima；

and　how　I　have　borne　it　all；　not　as　a　woman；　who　whines　for　every　touch；

but　as　a　man　shouldin　silence。



〃But　there　are　things；　there　is　a　thing；　which　the　soul　longs　to　pour　forth

into　a　kindred　ear。



〃Dear　sister；　have　you　ever　known　what　it　is　to　keep　wanting　and　wanting

and　wanting　to　kiss　some　one's　mouth；　and　you　may　not；　to　touch　some　one's

hand；　and　you　cannot？　　I　am　in　love；　Jemima。



〃The　old　Dutchwoman　from　whom　I　hire　this　place　has　a　little　stepdaughter；

and　her　name　begins　with　'E'。



〃She　is　English。　　I　do　not　know　how　her　father　came　to　marry　a　Boer…woman。

It　makes　me　feel　so　strange　to　put　down　that　letter；　that　I　can　hardly　go

on　writing　'E'。　　I've　loved　her　ever　since　I　came　here。　　For　weeks　I　have

not　been　able　to　eat　or　drink；　my　very　tobacco　when　I　smoke　has　no　taste；

and　I　can　remain　for　no　more　than　five　minutes　in　one　place；　and　sometimes

feel　as　though　I　were　really　going　mad。



〃Every　evening　I　go　there　to　fetch　my　milk。　　Yesterday　she　gave　me　some

coffee。　　The　spoon　fell　on　the　ground。　　She　picked　it　up；　when　she　gave　it

me　her　finger　touched　mine。　　Jemima；　I　do　not　know　if　I　fancied　itI

shivered　hot；　and　she　shivered　too！　　I　thought；　'It　is　all　right；　she　will

be　mine；　she　loves　me！'　　Just　then；　Jemima；　in　came　a　fellow；　a　great；

coarse　fellow；　a　Germana　ridiculous　fellow；　with　curls　right　down　to　his

shoulders；　it　makes　one　sick　to　look　at　him。　　He's　only　a　servant　of　the

Boer…woman's；　and　a　low；　vulgar；　uneducated　thing；　that's　never　been　to

boarding…school　in　his　life。　　He　had　been　to　the　next　farm　seeking　sheep。　

When　he　came　in　she　said；　'Good　evening；　Waldo。　　Have　some　coffee！'　AND　SHE

KISSED　HIM。



〃All　last　night　I　heard　nothing　else　but　'Have　some　coffee；　have　some

coffee。'　　If　I　went　to　sleep　for　a　moment　I　dreamed　that　her　finger　was

pressing　mine；　but　when　I　woke　with　a　start　I　heard　her　say；　'Good　evening；

Waldo。　　Have　some　coffee！'



〃Is　this　madness？



〃I　have　not　eaten　a　mouthful　today。　　This　evening　I　go　and　propose　to　her。

If　she　refuses　me　I　shall　go　and　kill　myself　tomorrow。　　There　is　a　dam　of

water　close　by。　　The　sheep　have　drunk　most　of　it　up；　but　there　is　still

enough　if　I　tie　a　stone　to　my　neck。



〃It　is　a　choice　between　death　and　madness。　　I　can　endure　no　more。　　If　this

should　be　the　last　letter　you　ever　get　from　me；　think　of　me　tenderly；　and

forgive　me。　　Without　her；　life　would　be　a　howling　wilderness；　a　long

tribulation。　　She　is　my　affinity；　the　one　love　of　my　life；　of　my　youth；　of

my　manhood；　my　sunshine；　my　God…given　blossom。



〃'They　never　loved　who　dreamed　that　they　loved　once；

　　And　who　saith；　'I　loved　once'？

　　Not　angels；　whose　deep　eyes　look　down　through　realms　of　light！'



〃Your　disconsolate　brother；　on　what　is；　in　all　probability；　the　last　and

distracted　night　of　his　life。



〃Gregory　Nazianzen　Rose。



〃P。S。Tell　mother　to　take　care　of　my　pearl　studs。　　I　left　them　in　the

wash…hand…stand　drawer。　　Don't　let　the　children　get　hold　of　them。



〃P。P。S。I　shall　take　this　letter　with　me　to　the　farm。　　If　I　turn　down　one

corner　you　may　know　I　have　been　accepted；　if　not；　you　may　know　it　is　all　up

with　your　heartbroken　brother；



G。N。R。〃



Gregory　having　finished　this　letter；　read　it　over　with　much　approval；　put

it　in　an　envelope；　addressed　it；　and　sat　contemplating　the　inkpot；　somewhat

relieved　in　mind。



The　evening　turned　out　chilly　and　very　windy　after　the　day's　heat。　　From

afar　off；　as　Gregory　neared　the　homestead　on　the　brown　pony；　he　could

distinguish　a　little　figure　in　a　little　red　cloak　at　the　door　of　the　cow…

kraal。　　Em　leaned　over　the　poles　that　barred　the　gate；　and　watched　the

frothing　milk　run　through　the　black　fingers　of　the　herdsman；　while　the

unwilling　cows　stood　with　tethered　heads　by　the　milking　poles。　　She　had

thrown　the　red　cloak　over　her　own　head；　and　held　it　under　her　chin　with　a

little　hand；　to　keep　from　her　ears　the　wind；　that　playfully　shook　it；　and

tossed　the　little　fringe　of　yellow　hair　into　her　eyes。



〃Is　it　not　too　cold　for　you　to　be　standing　here？〃　said　Gregory；　coming

softly　close　to　her。



〃Oh；　no；　it　is　so　nice。　　I　always　come　to　watch　the　milking。　　That　red　cow

with　the　short　horns　is　bringing　up　the　calf　of　the　white　cow　that　died。　

She　loves　it　sojust　as　if　it　were　her　own。　　It　is　so　nice　to　see　her　lick

its　little　ears。　　Just　look！〃



〃The　clouds　are　black。　　I　think　it　is　going　to　rain　tonight；〃　said　Gregory。



〃Yes；〃　answered　Em；　looking　up　as　well　as　she　could　for　the　little　yellow

fringe。



〃But　I'm　sure　you　must　be　cold；〃　said　Gregory；　and　put　his　hand　under　the

cloak；　and　found　there　a　small　fist　doubled　up；　soft；　and　very　warm。　　He

held　it　fast　in　his　hand。



〃Oh；　Em；　I　love　you　better　than　all　the　world　besides！　　Tell　me；　do　you

love　me　a　little？〃



〃Yes；　I　do；〃　said　Em；　hesitating；　and　trying　softly　to　free　her　hand。



〃Better　than　everything；　better　than　all　the　world；　darling？〃　he　asked；

bending　down　so　low　that　the　yellow　hair　was　blown　into　his　eyes。



〃I　don't　know；〃　said　Em；　gravely。　　〃I　do　love　you　very　much；　but　I　love　my

cousin　who　is　at　school；　and　Waldo；　very　much。　　You　see　I　have　known　them

so　long！〃



〃Oh；　Em；　do　not　talk　to　me　so　coldly！〃　Gregory　cried；　seizing　the　little

arm　that　rested　on　the　gate；　and　pressing　it　till　she　was　half　afraid。　　The

herdsman　had　moved　away　to　the　other　end　of　the　kraal　now；　and　the　cows；

busy　with　their　calves；　took　no　notice　of　the　little　human　farce。　　〃Em；　if

you　talk　so　to　me　I　will　go　mad！　　You　must　love　me；　love　me　better　than

all！　　You　must　give　yourself　to　me。　　I　have　loved　you　since　that　first

moment　when　I　saw　you　walking　by　the　stone　wall　with　the　jug　in　your　hands。　

You　were　made　for　me；　created　for　me！　　I　will　love　you　till　I　die！　　Oh；　Em；

do　not　be　so　cold；　so　cruel　to　me！〃



He　held　her　arm　so　tightly　that　her　fingers　relaxed　their　hold；　and　the

cloak　fluttered　down　on　to　the　ground；　and　the　wind　played　more　roughly

than　ever　with　the　little　yellow　head。



〃I　do　love　you　very　much；〃　she　said；　〃but　I　do　not　know　if　I　want　to　marry

you。　　I　love　you　better　than　Waldo；　but　I　can't　tell　if　I　love　you　better

than　Lyndall。　　If　you　would　let　me　wait　for　a　week　I　think　perhaps　I　could

tell　you。〃



Gregory　picked　up　the　cloak　and　wrapped　it　round　her。



〃If　you　could　but　love　me　as　I　love　you；〃　he　said；　〃but　no　woman　can　love

as　a　man　can。　　I　will　wait　till　Saturday。　　I　will　not　once　come　near　you

till　then。　　Good…bye！　　Oh；　Em；〃　he　said；　turning　again；　and　twining　his　arm

about　her；　and　kissing　her　surprised　little　mouth；　〃if　you　are　not　my